So, my neighbor and I were enjoying my Jacuzzi near dusk last night. Suddenly my neighbor pointed up with a shocked look on her face! About 5 feet above us, seemingly suspended in midair and backlit by the still light enough sky was a HUGE garden spider. The abdomen, alone, was a good inch in size. Clearly, at any moment, it could drop onto us, paralyze us, cocoon us up and feed on us for the next year. It had to die.
I surveyed the situation. I surmised that it must have a web going from the bamboo on one side of us over to the patio on the other side of us. The only option would be to try to knock it down and hope that it would fall on an open part of the patio so it could be quickly and violently killed. It was going to be him/her or me.
I got out of the Jacuzzi... dripping everywhere, but no time to dry off... I grabbed a large push broom for myself and a flash light for the neighbor who was still in the Jacuzzi... I climbed up onto a patio planter to get within reach of the beast (broom length reach, mind you)... my fat, gray cat sat below me, watching the whole thing with obvious amusement and being absolutely no help at all...
Ok... I had one shot... the broom went through the air and I know I made contact - my neighbor screamed! I ran away.
WHERE WAS IT NOW?! WAS IT ON THE BROOM I WAS STILL HOLDING?! WAS IT ON ME?!
After the scream, my neighbor quickly came to her senses and shot the flash light over the side of the Jacuzzi to look and shot out a second scream! Gee, do you think she found it?
By this time, I was laughing so hard at the behavior of two grown women I could barely function... but, there was still killing to be done. I darted around to the other side of the planter where she had the flashlight aimed. She was yelling, "There it is! There it is!" It looked even bigger down on the ground and I, being in a bikini, had an uncomfortable abundance of skin exposed to be so close to something like this.
No time to think -- WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM!! For over 30 seconds, I beat the beast with the broom bristles. It mocked me by merely balling up to wait until I was done. "Haha, I'm fine. Watch me just walk away!" OK, then, perhaps being briskly brushed back and forth for awhile will be the end of you! Nope. Mocked again. Time for you to die, moster, die! I turned the broom over and with one well aimed whack of the hard wood it was over.
Now, I just have to clean the giant splat off the patio.